Fifty/50/Whiskey (Rocco)

I just left a bag of stuff on your car. Rocco

Response Option #1

Hi Rocco –
Thanks for bringing my stuff by. I'm glad you got your things, too. I hope you are doing well.

I'm not going to pretend to know what you're going through or where you're head and heart have been for the last few months. I can only know how I feel and my response to our interactions. I have tried to be honest and understanding throughout our relationship and continue to try each step of the way. I am sorry if I have not honored your feelings or wishes in the way that you would prefer.

I had been really afraid of what another break-up with you would look like and was sincerely hoping that it would not carry the anger and animosity that was the tone of the last go round. Unfortunately, it seems we have come to the exact impasse we reached before. It feels to me that you are going out of your way to hurt me as much as possible during this already painful process. I don't know why you feel like you need to do that and I really wish you wouldn't. Obviously, I did not want to break up and I still felt a great deal of love and caring towards you up until the end. I felt blindsided and abandoned by you in the final few weeks. However, I have come to realize that breaking up was the right thing for both of us and I am under no illusions that we could have continued interactions or communications as they were.

I don't know if you've read the last or last several blog posts, if they made you mad, or hurt you in some way. If so, I'm sorry. The way I feel is not black and white and I am still processing what happened. I think I'm entitled to that. My feelings for you have spanned "love of my life," to "despising" you. It's the worst to be out and out rejected by someone and you rejecting me was particularly hard since I respect you and your opinion so much. It was especially hurtful because I felt you didn't honor the time we had together and didn't seem sorry at all that it was over. That felt like a betrayal. It would have been nice to hear that you that you were sad, too. That you cared, even just a little. You never apologized for anything except the Facebook posts. I don't believe it is unreasonable for me to be torn, sad and questioning.

The last conversation we had, on Valentine's Day, you told me that you were feeling trapped. I had finally come to the realization the night before that we actually were breaking up and not just "taking a break." I think I was right to be confused; you still signed a couple of emails with XO and were calling me Babes on Tuesday. I had suspected that you felt like Valentine's and my birthday were going to require too much effort and that you didn't want to put the effort in. I should have given you more space, and I felt sorry that you were feeling trapped. I resolved to give you what you wanted and move on since it was finally clear that it was over. I also knew that I would have to get on the path to healing immediately and the only way I know how to cope with the pain was to delete you from my life as much as possible. I didn't want to see how much fun you're having via Facebook, didn't want to keep updated with who you are seeing and dating, and unfortunately, if I remain "friends" with you I would be tempted to stay involved and wonder about you on a daily basis. It is impossible for me to move on and still go to places that were special for us, or even drink beers that we shared and I certainly don't want to get a phone call from you out of the blue or a trivial text like: “what is that game you like to play at parties?” It’s too jarring.

I hope at some point you can back down and remember our time together with some fondness. Despite the pain, you're still one of my favorites and I want for you, all the best. 

Sincerely, Joce

Response Option #2

Fuck you, you stupid, fat, weak-chinned motherfucker. You think I didn’t see you peacock out of your black Porsche, your sunglasses reflecting your smugness, you self-important, self-absorbed DICK, to discard my belongings a full THREE WEEKS after I requested them?! Now that there are no further ties, I hope I never, ever see you again. It would be great if you could move far away or really, just die. Thanks! P.S. your eyes are too close together and Tana was right, you are BOOORRRRIINNG. Beyond. 

Response Option #3

Hey Rocco,

Thank you for returning my things. I guess by this point you’ve probably realized that I blocked you from calling or contacting me. I gave a tremendous amount of emotional energy to our relationship and interactions for over a year. I gave it everything I had. That was more than enough.

Unfortunately, no matter how many times I expressed to you that I don’t consider you a friend and that I do not want to maintain any contact with you, you kept pestering me. I did not appreciate the lackluster “Happy Birthday.” text. Nor the call after my party in which you told me, in your best impression of a robot, “it’ll get better.” No shit, Sherlock. I’ve moved on and I don’t need your fake sympathy and artificial support holding me back. I think your idea of “checking in” is in reality your attempt to emotionally torture me just at the point when I might be feeling less tortured.

I have made a lot of personal progress in the last 2 months - I've lost 15 lbs., have set some goals with the help of my counselor, and feel healthier and happier than I have in years. I thought my misery was in spite of our relationship. Turns out, my overwhelming negativity and sadness was in large part because of our relationship. To maintain my progress, I am focused on surrounding myself with people who are enthusiastic and motivated and positive in their own lives, those people that support and encourage me on my path and that share my values.

I’m sorry if I went off script. I’m sure you thought I was going to pine for you forever and accept limitless amounts of cowardly bullshit. Surprise! Nope.

Absolutely, Joce

Response Option #4

Dear Rocco,

Thank you for returning my things. To be honest, seeing you pull up, blue skies, lilac blossoms reflected in your sunglasses, my heart leapt. For the slightest moment I expected you to pick me up, to grab me in a bear hug, to plant a big kiss on my lips. Everything rewound to last year, when something really exciting happened to me. I met you. I spent a beautiful spring with a guy that I found smart and funny and interesting...there couldn't have been a rarer occurrence with a rarer beast. I believe the love we shared was very genuine and powerful and instant. It was transformational.

I am hoping to appeal to your humanity and I am asking that you please don't ignore me. We've talked many times about how tough we both are on the outside, but inside we're just balls of mush. I know I really hurt you with some terrible, unkind things I said and did and you are feeling really tough against me. I know my apologies can't make up for those actions and that you feel like you need to defend yourself against me. I know you understand that my mush is feeling pretty battered, too. The sting of the scorpion is deadly!

I am trying to get myself in a better frame of mind and have focused on personal improvement and goal setting. I'm losing weight, not working as much, actually sleeping through the night. But, at least 23 hrs. out of 24 I am feeling AWFUL about the state of us. I've had break-ups before and could care less if I never see the person again. Mostly I want them to fall off the face of the earth. But, that is the opposite of how I feel about you.It’s been two months and not a moment goes by that you aren’t still in my thoughts. I can’t shake the thought of you, the memory of you, the smell and feel of you. I long for you. I miss you. I know this spring is different, to be modern in explication, it’s complicated, and I don't want to beat a dead horse. But, the truth is, you're still one of my favorite people, I still love you dearly, and I still pray for a happy ending. With you.

XOXO, Joce

Actual Response #1

(shot of whiskey) Thank you.