Blog

The Heart is a Migrant Species (Jack)

Hello in the frigid morning -
Just wanted to say that I had a fine time with you last night, and have been enjoying spending good days and nights with you since I've returned. Sorry if I make things awkward and all woven up in oddness at times. I just want you to know that I appreciate you in many a way, and like laughing and sharing pho and words and bourbon and music with you. Happy Friday. Thanks for the gifts (wearing the scarf right now, and it's helping, some - gonna start one of the books later, too) and the company and for you, you. Talk with you later, and as I mentioned in my message last night I'm certainly willing to talk about the "oddness." Etc. Hope you slept well. Woke up at about 4am thinking about you, but let myself get lullabied back to sleep by some fine infomercials.
Jack
Hi Jack,
It is indeed a cold day. I hope you, too, will keep warm.
I appreciate the contact, the email and the call and the text, and the offer to talk about the "oddness." However, the truth is, it's so much more than that, and if I try to talk to you about it, I will fail. I won't have the guts to say any of it.
So it's a new year, and if I don't change something about the way I go about making life decisions, than I'm afraid I will continue to have all this sadness and longing mucking up my every day, forever. And dammit, I'm tired of it. I'm not going to do this again. I'm not going to continue to let myself down at every turn.  
As much as it absolutely kills me, makes me want to scream "FUUUUCK" as loud as I can, I know that you and I are not meant to be together. It's been nearly 4 months that we've been doing this awkward dance. Frankly, I'm haunted by the fact that you were never looking for me, I'm not really what you want, that I don't make your blood boil or your heart pound. You are not compelled to spend the night with me or to kiss me without a belly full of bourbon, or to see me more than once a week, unless you have nothing else going on, or unless I push you. I don't mean to suggest that you haven't been so, so nice to me, because you have. So nice. You've introduced me to a bunch of really great people. You called me everyday when you were gone. So nice. I've had so much fun talking to you, laughing at the silliest things and listening to great music. But, I want more for myself. I need more. That need and want is one-sided and I refuse to be that idiot girl again -- the one throwing myself at someone who is frankly lukewarm about me. I have to stop selling myself, tap dancing around, hoping and praying that something will click and all of a sudden you'll think I'm the best thing since Molly Ringwald. Because for you, I'm not. And I get that.
I could keep trying to convince you, ingratiate myself to you, try, try and try some more,  for another 2 months or 4, but in the end, I'm still going to get my heart crushed, more than it already feels crushed. So, I'm just going to stop it now.
Thank you for everything. It's been really, really lovely. And I'm so, so sorry it couldn't be different.
Joce
Hey there, Joce -
Well, thanks for this letter, and once again thanks for you. I think I'll be thinking about this all for a day, or two, before I fully can respond. But, it's super honest, and super earnest, and I'm glad you could say these things here. A lot to think about for me, too. Hmm. I've been wanting to ask you what you want - out of this, me, life, etc. - but hadn't quite broached the big question. Yet, here you've answered it thoroughly and wisely. Thanks for that, for this. More sometime quite soon, as I said. It all has me thinkin' deep and wide, as I'm prone to do. I hope your day is grand. And hey, you are grand.
All the best, no matter the matter,
Jack
Jack,
Don't let me discourage you from responding. However, no response is needed. I'm resolved to it, all, completely. I'm going forward into the vast unknown, with my eye on the prize. And as much as I wanted you there, you are not there, anymore. My heart is, was, a fish, open mouthed, until. I'm done being a grand nothing, nothing, like big worms. So, you have been replaced by an unnamed specter. Someone who recognizes that I'm exceptional, too. Worth it. Not just a fat cat sitter for the ages. 

Exit the owl. The ladybug. Stage right. Tah-dah. 
X fucking O. ETC. 
Joce