Raiders of the Lost Art (Joce)

From Joce's journal, Aug. 8, 2005
Wanted: dead or alive. Preferably alive.
So how come, in a town with 38,000 people more or less my same age, half of whom we can assume are male, is it so freaking hard to meet anyone? I mean, I had waaaay better luck in my po-dunk little home town. Is it because I'm getting pickier, or compared to all the little short skirted hootchies I'm less appealing to the hot-blooded man?
My mother says that when you want something, you have to state very specifically, out loud, what it is you want. Something about putting it out into the world will bring it back to you. Then, when the boomerang comes your way, you have to be open to receive. So, I'm gonna put it out into the world.
Wanted: Darling boy between the ages of 24 and 34. 6 feet tall +, with muscles from working like a man not from being all vain and working out at the gym 5 days a week. Educated, with at least and undergrad and preferably graduate degree. Not obsessed with some trivial, absurd aspect of pop culture, like the Smurfs or Star Wars. Well-read, but if not well-read, than at least, read. And something other than comic books. Animal lover, though no cats because I don't want to have an asthmatic attack when making out on your couch. And you'd better HAVE a couch, or at the very least, a love seat (riiighht?), or a chair big enough for you and me both. Must like to dress up at Halloween and/or any other day of the week when costumes might be called for. No vegetarians or vegans. I'm a very good cook, but this ain't no short-order house. No alcoholics or drug addicts. I like beer, wine and cocktails but I don't want to have to hide them from you when you come on a my house, a my house a come on. If you're totally obsessed with porn and you'd rather jack off into a sock in front of the t.v. than have sex with me, move ON. Been there, done that, and it was real dumb. One word, HUMOR. You must have it, and appreciate it in others. I will tease you recklessly, but it's meant in the nicest possible way, so you gotta be able to take it. Must not be poor, you should be able to take me out to dinner once in awhile and I do like to go to movies and the theaataaa. Must like art and appreciate that I may stay up too late painting when you'd rather just crash. Extra points for piercings, tattoos, brooding glares and big, strong hands. Bad kissers need not apply.
Yes, I realize it's a lot to ask, and I don't mean it to seem unreasonable. I think you'd find that I'm quite forgiving and understanding and willing to compromise on just about anything. As long as I'm being honored with the same respect. In return for all that this Mr. Man has to offer, he will find I am a devoted, fun, sassy, cheeky 'lil redhead with a heart of gold. A bit of a spitfire that can totally pull her own weight. I'm ambitious but not obnoxiously so. I can cook, clean, and keep house like a mutha fucka. I'm crafty and can sew. I can drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney, but only when the occassion calls for it. I can be loud and crazy but also very subdued and introspective. I will spoil you rotten and treat you better than you ever thought you deserved. Soooo, I'm pretty much perfect (according to my mother, and who am I to argue with that)?
Okay boomerang, ready, set, GO!