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PART ONE "The Real Deal" Joce Compatibility in Dating Quiz


Okay, kids, this is a doozy, honestly more of a final thesis exam than a quiz. This is the kind of thing that happens when you review and edit and add and subtract on one piece of writing for three plus years. The result is a behemoth that's either the next great American novel or firewood. Either way it'll keep you warm during a long, cold winter. It's too much to post in one entry, so over the next couple of days, I'll post sections. You should think of the sections as cumulative. If you do seriously crappy on the first part: personality, smarts, family and relationships, and health and habits, than don't bother with what comes next. This first part represents what I feel are the most important things, obviously, unless, I suppose, you are physically like a God or as rich as a sultan, in which case I might be able to overlook the fact that you didn't graduate from high school. Good luck and extra credit (5 points) to those who actually complete and report their scores. Oh, and if you find inconsistencies on the math, keep it to yourself. It's not my strong suit, and I'm over it.

"The Real Deal" Joce Compatibility in Dating Quiz, version 2013 

Give yourself 10 points if you are a single, heterosexual male, between the ages of 30-47, that lives in the western United States. If you’re not single or heterosexual, or you’re older than 55, or live in a foreign country, let’s just not bother with the rest. K?

PERSONALITY (__ out of 56 possible points)
Give yourself 2 points for each word that you would use to describe yourself: a) creative b) imaginative c) resourceful d) cerebral e) funny f) cheeky g) big-hearted h) loyal i) sweet j) kind k) optimistic l) flexible m) adventurous n) responsible o) caring p) friendly q) generous r) game s) hospitable t) silly u) capable v) compassionate w) forgiving x) self aware y) dependable z) nurturing aa) affectionate bb) hopeful

SMARTS (__ out of 44 possible points)
Give yourself two points for each statement that accurately describes you:
a) I graduated from high school
b) I was considered a good student
c) I was considered an exceptional student
d) I have a college degree
e) I have an advanced degree
f) I can muddle through a vacation by speaking limited Spanish, French or Italian
g) I can speak a foreign language
h) I am fluent in a foreign language
i) I can speak multiple foreign languages
j) I have a job
k) I have a full-time job
l) I would consider my job a “career”
m) I am using my degree in my job
n) I like my job
o) I volunteer
p) I volunteer with kids
q) I volunteer with animals
r) I vote
s) I’m a good writer
t) I have never been in jail
u) I have never been arrested
v) I’m not a particularly religious person

FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIPS (__ out of 52 possible points)
Give yourself two points for each statement that accurately describes you:
a) I have never been married
b) I have had a relationship that lasted longer than 3 years
c) I have never cheated on a girlfriend or wife
d) I have never led a “double life,” maintaining two (or more) girlfriends or wives simultaneously
e) My parents are still married
f) I have at least one sibling
g) At least one of my siblings is a girl
h) At least one of my siblings is married
i) At least one of my siblings has kids
j) I have a conversation with at least one member of my family once a week
k) I have been the best man or groomsman at a wedding
l) I almost always remember my significant other's birthday
m) I always remember my mother’s birthday
n) I live alone
o) I don’t have kids or all my kids are over 18
p) I have made reservations for a Valentine’s dinner more than one week prior to Valentine’s Day
q) I believe relationships are partnerships with equal give and take
r) I look forward to being an active partner in a relationship
s) I realize that a relationship often takes work
t) I believe that communication is key in a relationship, but hugs are even more so
u) I believe the occasional argument or disagreement in a relationship is healthy
v) When faced with an argument or problem I don’t just disappear physically or emotionally
w) I am capable of accepting the blame for something I’ve done wrong and will apologize
x) I consider myself forgiving and understanding in a relationship

HEALTH AND HABITS (__ out of 26 possible points)
Give yourself one point for each statement that accurately describes you:
a) I clean my plate when I eat
b) I like my coffee black
c) I will go to the doctor if I am ill
d) I will take medication if it has been prescribed to me
e) I don’t currently have a prescription for Viagra or anti-anxiety medication
f) I have had my teeth cleaned in the last year
g) I have had a hair cut in the last 2 months
h) I don’t think there is anything wrong with going to a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist
i) I don’t have a long term therapist and I’m not in “analysis”
j) I rarely drink soda pop
k) I never drink “energy drinks” ie: Monster, Red Bull, etc.
l) I have written a letter in the last 6 months
m) I have read a book in the last 6 months
n) I have read a fiction book in the last 6 months
o) I have read a fiction book in the last 3 months
p) I’m usually juggling several books at a time
q) I like poetry
r) I write fiction or poetry
s) I have a gym membership; I go to the gym no more than 4 days a week
t) I prefer outside recreation to gym recreation
u) I eat both meat and fish
v) I have never been in the military or my military service ended at least 10 years ago
w) I am not lactose intolerant, allergic to nuts nor do I require a gluten-free diet
x) If my hands are dry I will put some lotion on them
y) If my lips are chapped I will put some Chapstick on them
z) If I have a cough I will suck on a cough drop

Give yourself .5 (1/2) point for each item that is currently in your refrigerator/freezer (__ out of 13.5 possible points): 
a) pineapple b) strawberries c) rhubarb d) Brussels sprouts e) beets f) an avocado g) fresh herbs h) Sriracha i) a bottle of champagne j) eggs k) sharp cheddar l) butter m) bacon n) curry paste o) green beans p) spinach or other leafy green q) Greek yogurt r) micro-brew beer s) half and half t) homemade salad dressing u) non-yellow mustard v) some kind of imported cheese w) cilantro x) a bottle of white wine y) ice z) Spanish chorizo

Give yourself .5 (1/2) point for each item that is currently in your pantry (__ out of 13.5 possible points):
a) oatmeal b) a bottle of red wine c) olive oil d) coconut milk e) baking powder or soda f) balsamic vinegar g) sweet potatoes h) sweet onions i) brown rice j) risotto k) bittersweet chocolate l) Earl Grey tea m) local honey n) flour o) sugar p) brown sugar q) molasses r) soy sauce s) nuts t) Whiskey u) non-imitation vanilla v) cumin w) Spanish paprika x) dried chiles y) sea salt z) sesame oil

Take me to PART TWO