__ out of 324.5 possible points
ANYTHING OVER 300: You’re a goddamn liar. Lucky for you I like liars. And rogues. Traitors of the heart. Let’s move in and see this train right through to wreck.
274-300: Congratulations on your complete and utter perfection. We are über-compatible and therefore doomed. As much as I would like to embrace you for all eternity, I will instead shun you from the get-go – my darling, in truth, I find you repellant. My sincere apologies, to both of us, for my inability to appreciate your shining golden light. And mine.
267-273: The answer is yes.
248-266: This is so fun! This is so intense! Bliss bonanza – bananas! We are goo goo ga ga over each other, aren’t we now? Drinks, dinner, dancing, movies, hand holding, kissing, sleepovers, laughing, day dreaming, can’t wait to see you one more minute – I want to eat you up like birthday cake! Wait, what? It’s over? No, I didn’t see that coming. No, no, of course, I understand. Goodbye.
223-247: Brace yourself. I am going to fall in love with you. At first, you’ll be totally into it, curious, excited by the prospect, there will be mutual attraction. You’ll find me funny, charming, kind. Then, you will decide it’s just too much. The flattery, the cookies, my genuine interest in your happiness and success; I’ll insist on spending time with you, buy you presents, do your laundry. This will test your independent spirit; you’ll feel suffocated by the attention. In the end you may have genuine love in your heart for me but will insist on having zero contact going forward. Predictable, changeable, like the gulf stream.
151-222: We will date – for a short period of time – not long enough to be considered a relationship. We will part ways – at my insistence – or yours. Months will pass, and the tiny seed I’ve planted in your brain, things I’ve said and done, the vision of my singular smile and wink, will grow and grow – and you’ll find yourself thinking of me at unlikely times and under weird circumstances. The seed will grow until it explodes like a green shoot from one of your eyes or the top of your skull, like one of those ants that has been infected with a parasitoidal fungus. And you’ll realize that you’ve never loved anyone as much as you love me. It will be too late. I will have moved on. But, every six months or so, you’ll try again, for the rest of your life. The answer will always be no.
91-150: Welp, there’s no two ways about it, we are genuinely incompatible. That doesn’t mean you can’t buy me a nice dinner.
0-90: Don’t make eye contact. Just turn around. Walk the other way. Now, RUN.