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Riddle Me This, A**hole


Every summer, a couple of times, I hit the horse races with a friend. I like to sit in the bleachers and have a Pabst Blue Ribbon in a can for $1, breathe the hot, dusty air and make a few bets. I diligently read my racing form, compare statistics, review their handicaps – past wins, race times, recent workouts, who the jockey is – I look at the horses, height, temperament, gait, I compare the silks, get a feel for the horse and rider. I compare the odds. Then, I make my wager- never more than $6. Sometimes the long shot to show, sometimes the favorite to win, sometimes a quinella or an exacta box. I never win.

That's sort of how I feel about dating: no matter how much experience I have, how much information, how much cheap beer I drink, I simply can't seem to make the right choice, pick the perfect pony, as it were. And, not only do I not pick the winner, I usually choose the loser. I always place my bet on the guy, like his horse counterpoint, who won't load at the gate, breaks early, goes wide or stops mid-race. Or the skittish one wearing blinders and a yellow polka dot shirt.

For this early blog entry I developed this quiz to help weed out some of the more undesirable types. And, it might actually work, should I actually take stock of the scores. Like pretty much everything I do anymore, when some dude gets a 74, I just shrug my shoulders and say, “whelp, I guess we’ll see how this pans out.” Psst, Joce, it's going to go poorly...