Sorry, it’s been awhile. I was hoping to spend the month having a nice transition out of Boston – packing boxes calmly, organizing my stuff, and heading out of town clear and free. Wouldn't that be nice? But I think you must know a thing or two about getting the fuck out of Dodge quickly.
Things have been hard for each of us over the past few years. I've had nothing but time to ponder this, and the struggle for me has been to keep up the faith that there's a direction to it, that there's an end-point at which I get myself back. The other thing I've been learning is to try not to think too far into the future, especially under a pessimistic outlook. I've surrounded myself and reminded myself about all the things going wrong in my life and then it takes a cartoonish shaking of the head to realize that negative thinking becomes it's own spiral into self-fulfilling prophecy. When I remember to do it, I allow myself some hope and allow myself to enjoy some daily moments, and lo and behold the days start to get better. As it turns out, I'm a mirror of what I'm feeling inside and I'm a better person when I hold that better outlook.
So it's no secret that this is thinly veiled advice for you too. I fucking hate that good advice ends up sounding so cliché. I have a few questions for you, though:
Are you sure there's nowhere else for you to go? Have you ruled out going back to Arizona? You still have friends there. Hope you're not letting some Asshat ruin what was a good thing for you, at least socially. I know that while you were down there you weren't that psyched about your job, but to me I don't see any reason not to go back if it is a place you loved.
I also feel the need to call you out on the "so little to look forward to" and "so little to look back on... wasted time." I can relate to the sentiment, but c'mon Joce: Your life so far is your life. Just because there hasn't been a clear direction to it, whether that be in love or career, doesn't make it a waste. The only failure is if you stop trying. I know you know this. Giving up is the ugly little feeling that you can actually do something about – so can we get Joce the spitfire back? Please?
By the way, your writing is still sharp as a tack. Especially your last post about Sea Salt. Please tell me that wasn't just an exercise in great writing. Read it again – and then for God's sake go out and find him again.
So, it's Easter. I'm not religious, but since we both seem to be in a phase of picking ourselves back up, I think we can embrace the spirit of the occasion. Here's to rising back up again. I want you to know that I think you are great and I'm cheering for you.