Peace in your heart (Malik)

"You think what I've told you is an anecdote. But really it isn't. It's my whole life. It's the only story I have."
Charles Baxter

There are two sides to every relationship and two sides to every story about that relationship. This is my story; it is only one side, my side.

It is presumptuous to think we can understand, even if we do have both sides of the story, what goes on between two people in a relationship. Very often they can't understand it themselves.

Obviously, the stories here do not represent Malik as a whole person (nor do they represent any other man, or even myself, as a whole person). They are a tiny sliver, a snapshot of a moment in time, between two people.

In the end, the only thing I knew about Malik was who we were together, the interactions, power plays and manipulations that defined us as a couple. Neither of us were our best selves at that time, in that place, in fact, we were probably our worst selves. And, despite the fact that love existed somewhere in that whirlwind of turmoil, the chemical reaction, the combination of our hearts and souls left permanent scars on both of us. Sometimes, even if we love somebody very much, we do them irreparable damage.

Malik was one of the first people to truly break my heart and I have carried the anger and frustration that he left me with into the rest of my life. We were never able to come to a resolution, and despite his efforts to reach out to me over the years, I was never able to forgive him. When it came to Malik I could only be a 17 year old girl with tears in her eyes and her heart on the floor.

I am sorry for us, for him, for me, that we could never truly see each other as a whole person or know each other as we got older and matured. But, life is about lessons and we did learn from each other.

On July 4, 2011, Malik passed away. My heart goes out to those who loved him. I am so happy that he was so loved and by so many.