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Steady Freddy (Ken)

Enough with the brooding, artsy, depressive types! You take it to the other side of the spectrum: former military, degree in economics, government job, red Ford Bronco, apartment outfitted by Ashley Home Furnishings. Steady Freddy. He’s tall and handsome and gentle, but he’s a little boring, a little unsophisticated, and his sense of humor is a little tedious.

Unlike the guys you’re used to dating he seems to really like you and he’s not afraid to show it. He calls you every day as soon as he knows you’re off work. He emails. He takes you out at least every third day. Dinner. Movies. Drinks. He pays. He tells you look pretty. He compliments your clothes. He rests his hand on your leg when you’re driving.

He has goals. He knows where he wants to be in 5 years, 10 years. He’s actively pursuing the next step in work and education. He’s learning another language. Would you consider living overseas? He’s scoping you out for the long term.

You keep telling yourself, “This is the kind of guy I should be dating, scoping out for the long term.” He’ll take care of you, you’ll never have to worry; he’ll be loyal and consistent. He’s uncomplicated which is perfect because you’re really, really complicated.

You like him, you do. You keep telling yourself and others that you like him. Nobody is fooled. Especially you. There is nothing wrong with him and that’s what’s wrong with him. He has no edges, no quirks, no idiosyncrasies, no mysteries to be solved; he’s just smooth and easy all the way around and it bores you to death.

It’s Friday afternoon and he calls you as soon as get off work. “How was your day?” He has a few things to attend to but he’ll call you back in about an hour so you can make plans. Around 6:30 p.m. you call and he doesn’t answer. You try him again around 8:30 p.m. No answer. The next day, puzzled, you send a text. No answer.

You never hear from him again.