I wanted to share a recent journal entry with you...
"One day you are going to wake up to find yourself old and lonely." Ten years on, Joce's words still haunt me. The power of words…they hurt more than punches to the gut and resonate more than a kick in the balls.
I have an English wife and a French girlfriend. One for love and one for fun, I guess. One knows of the other, the other has no idea…my little secret. Yet I am so lonely and at times finding myself thinking back to dark and thundering summer Friday evening barbeques at the Walnut St. house. Having no furniture and calling it bohemian…my little secret. It wasn't bohemian; I simply didn't want to collect things I would have to get rid of when I left.
I find myself always wanting to leave. I go to parties, say hello, make small talk, sneak out the back without saying goodbye. Out-of-sync, I fondly remember the past but never fully enjoying the present.
I turn 40 in six months. This morning, I woke up and found myself old and lonely.
*Sigh* OH, Malik. You never got it then, and you haven't got it now. I wasn't a prophet, a twenty year old sage, but merely observant. 10 years ago you were already old and lonely. You were old and lonely way before you ever met me. Which is why you ended up on Walnut St. in a house empty of more than just furniture. Old and lonely is why you left the country, why you've been married three times, why you do drugs and sometimes, when you're even more desperate, look for God.
And unless you get a hobby (other than yourself), volunteer, do something truly NOT self-serving, do something genuinely kind and not feel the need to point it out to everybody, you will die old and lonely. And for your sake, I hope I'm not clairvoyant. I hope that someday you'll learn your lesson, and die old and fulfilled. I doubt it.
You make me laugh...and smile...but you are still a "stupid girl."
I love your wit and your writing style. You are a sage, in your own way.
Thanks for the punch to the belly.