The Joce Compatibility in Dating Quiz (Version 1)

Start with 100 points. Subtract 1 point for each of the following statements you believe accurately describes you.
  1. I am an only child or I only have brothers
  2. I live with roommates or my parents
  3. I am 10 years older or 10 years younger than Joce (Joce is 35)
  4. I have kids
  5. I am not employed or I only work part time
  6. I have been convicted of a crime or I should have been convicted of a crime but somehow I didn’t get caught or I got off
  7. I would consider myself “over-educated and under-employed”
  8. I am in debt up to my eyeballs (for reasons other than medical or law school)
  9. I have been called “cheap” by a former girlfriend, I prefer to go “dutch,” I live paycheck to paycheck and/or I do not have a savings account
  10. I pawn goods for cash
  11. College wasn’t for me or college was the best thing that ever happened to me
  12. I was in a fraternity in college
  13. I eat fast food/pizza at least once a week
  14. I am a vegetarian or vegan
  15. I don’t drink alcoholic beverages and/or caffeinated beverages
  16. I drink to get drunk on a frequent basis
  17. I drink my coffee with a lot of cream and sugar or I prefer tea over coffee
  18. I have an allergy to nuts, wheat, or milk
  19. I would consider myself a “picky eater”
  20. I prefer chain restaurants to local places
  21. Currently, the only items in my fridge are beer and/or condiments
  22. I chew gum
  23. I drink more than one soda pop a day, and/or I regularly drink Monster, Red Bull or the equivalent
  24. I am a smoker
  25. I consider myself a casual or recreational drug user
  26. I have been through a 12-step program
  27. I need “meds” to get through the day or I probably should take “meds” to get through the day
  28. I suffer from PTSD, panic attacks and/or night terrors
  29. I have been diagnosed or currently have a sexually transmitted disease
  30. I sleepwalk
  31. I was raised or am currently a practicing Catholic, Southern Baptist, Scientologist, Wiccan, Nazarene or Mormon or a religion that participates in speaking in tongues or snake handling
  32. I am from the northeastern part of the United States, Florida or Nebraska
  33. I am a Sagittarius, Scorpio or Capricorn
  34. I have taken a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror with my shirt off with my phone
  35. I have videotaped myself having sex, I have posted an ad in Craigslists Casual Encounters, I have participated in a threesome or I have paid for sex
  36. I refer to myself an existentialist
  37. I own a gun (for something other than military service or my job as a police officer)
  38. I have never left my home state and/or hometown
  39. I do not have a best friend and/or nobody considers me their best friend
  40. I currently have a girlfriend, wife and/or am gay
  41. I am divorced
  42. I have never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months
  43. I have cheated on a former girlfriend
  44. I have never been in love
  45. I hate my mother and/or my mother hates me
  46. I refuse to dance even when I’ve had a couple of drinks and I’m at my best friend’s wedding
  47. I think women should open their own doors
  48. I own a giant television
  49. I have an “entertainment center” and/or I collect DVD’s
  50. I own a light-up beer sign and/or “kegerator”
  51. I collect empty beer, liquor or wine bottles and display them on my windowsill/headboard/fireplace mantle
  52. I do not own a couch, my couch is 20 plus years old, and/or I have a couch on my front porch
  53. I sleep on a mattress on the floor, a couch, a blow-up mattress, and/or a futon
  54. I don’t remember the last time I changed the sheets on my bed
  55. The last time I read a book it was required reading
  56. My preferred reading materials include “Maxim,” “Men’s Health,” graphic novels, tabloids, and/or USA Today
  57. I have a subscription to a porn magazine
  58. I do not know what NPR, NASA, and/or PMS stands for
  59. I am under 5’8”
  60. I don’t wear deodorant and/or I wear cologne
  61. I do not take a shower or bathe every day
  62. I never or rarely floss
  63. I own sweatpants and will wear them in public (other than the gym)
  64. I wear baseball/trucker caps regularly (even if I’m not playing baseball or truckin’), and/or when I wear a baseball/trucker cap, I turn it to the side
  65. I wear flip-flops more frequently than any other footwear
  66. I wear “tighty whities,” or “novelty” or “holiday” boxers/socks/ties
  67. I am going bald and growing my hair out at the same time, my hair is long enough to pull back in a pony tail and/or I highlight or dye my hair
  68. I have a full beard, mustache, "soul patch" and/or muttonchops
  69. I have a tattoo of a Looney Tune, Disney character, comic book character, woman’s name (other than my mother), barbed wire around my bicep, rosary around my neck, and/or a face tattoo
  70. “Bro,” “Bra,” “it’s all good,” “no worries” and/or “and whatnot,” is something I say frequently
  71. I consider myself a “regular guy,” or an “average joe”
  72. I use the terms “lol” and “lmao” on a regular basis
  73. I refer to women as “females”
  74. I have used the phrase “I carry my God in my pocket”
  75. I have used the phrase “artsy fartsy”
  76. I never exercise, I go to the gym every day and/or I am a former world champion power lifter
  77. I run marathons and/or am in training for an extreme sport competition
  78. I play in a band and/or I play Rock Band
  79. My hobbies include dirt biking, 4-wheeling, and/or snowmobiling
  80. My favorite game is Risk, D&D, or Magic, The Gathering
  81. I have an obsession with Star Wars, Star Trek, comic books, comic book characters, Lord of the Rings, Twilight and/or anything to do with vampires or zombies
  82. I have an obsession with football, NASCAR, and/or ultimate Frisbee
  83. I LARP and/or I participate in historical reenactments
  84. I have participated in a farting and/or belching contest when I was over the age of 18
  85. I participate in recreational tanning
  86. I regularly play the lottery
  87. I enjoy singing karaoke
  88. I like Jimmy Buffett
  89. I would consider myself “the life of the party,” or a “party pooper”
  90. I have over 300 friends on Facebook
  91. I tweet
  92. I prefer texting to calling
  93. I do not own a car
  94. I drive a Hummer, Aztec, Brat, Baja, minivan, conversion van, PT Cruiser, Taurus, new(ish) Mustang, or school bus
  95. I “lowered” my car or drive a “monster” truck
  96. My car has “rims,” “curb feelers,” a chain link or miniature steering wheel, a “No Fear” sticker, a Calvin peeing on or kneeling before a cross sticker, and/or my last name in gothic text on the rear window
  97. I never wash my car or I wash my car weekly
  98. I consider myself a “cat person”
  99. I own a snake, lizard, rat or ferret
  100. I love my chow, pit bull, Chihuahua, cocker spaniel, pug, beagle, Jack Russell terrier, Doberman pinscher, miniature pinscher, wolf mix, or Rottweiler
Clearly you are a big liar…or my knight in shining armor. Call me immediately for a date! Or to propose! I’ll be happy to give you the best (or next) 4 years of my life.
Three scenarios are possible: we will go out on 1-2 dates and you will fall in love with me and I will find you wretched OR we will go out on 1-2 dates and I will fall in love with you and you will find me tedious OR we will go out on 1-2 dates and decide we’re better off as friends. Things will be awkward for awhile but we’ll appreciate each other in the end. This is the most likely scenario.
The best opportunity for a “bad date.” We have just enough in common, or you’re hot enough that I’ll agree to go out with you. I will probably even be hopeful about it. Give him a chance! Maybe he’ll surprise you?! It will be painful and embarrassing and a huge waste of precious time. Of course, it will be fun to tell my friends about later. Sayonara suckah.
It could never and will never work. Of course, that doesn’t mean I won’t go out with you. I’ll give it the old college try and will hate every second of the “experience.” I will vow never to see/call/talk to you again and I will resent you and look forward to mocking you at my earliest convenience. Or, we will move in together.
Move along. You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m ashamed of you. Your mom is, too.